You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

This expression is total BS if you just follow 3 simple steps:

1). Go to a restaurant that serves cake.
2). Tell the waiter, “I’ll HAVE the cake.”
3). When the waiter brings the cake, EAT IT!


Who needs cake when you have buxom blondes?

In actuality, the word “have” in this context is intended to mean that you are KEEPING your cake, not consuming it. But who the hell would choose to do something as stupid as that?

Once you eat a cake, you can easily go buy another one. And if you get the recipe, you can always make it again. Plus, cake goes bad after a few days, so how long can you “have” it anyway?

There are definitely better ways to make the point that you can’t have the best of both worlds:

“You can’t have your Appletini and your manhood too.”
“You can’t have your Taco Bell and be regular too.”
“You can’t have your weed and remember things too.”

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Comparing Apples and Oranges

To express that a false analogy has been made, people often say, “You’re comparing apples and oranges.” But are apples and oranges so different? After all, both are fruit; both are round; both grow on trees; both have lots of vitamins; and the similarities go on and on…



In order to truly convey the incomparability of two items, we should probably say something like, “You’re comparing chinchillas and Vikings.” Those two are much harder to compare… One is a rabbit-sized rodent indigenous to South America; the other is a plundering Swede from the 11th century.

Basically, almost any two random things would be better suited for this expression than “apples and oranges.” Here are 3 other possibilities:

“You’re comparing…

1) …donkeys and Wite-Out.”
2) …negative amortization loans and chile relleno.”
3) …Charo and drip irrigation.”

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Good Eye

Because baseball is a slow moving sport with lots of awkward silence, people feel the need to fill it with noise, which is why coaches often yell, “Hey, let’s hear some chatter out there!” Among the pointless blabber is the stupid expression “good eye.”



Attend any Little League game and you are sure to hear idiots shout “good eye!” every frickin’ time a kid chooses not to swing, even if the pitch is a mile away from the strike zone. In fact, in some cases the kid is too weak to swing a bat anyway, so it’s not so much “good eye!” but “weak body!”

“Good eye” does have the potential to be a non-stupid expression if it were used in other situations. Like say you’re at a bar and a buddy of yours is about to hit on a girl, but at the last second realizes she’s not so hot, and backs away. We should salute him. Say, “Good eye, Johnny! Way to lay off! That was a close call!”

Treat Others the Way You Want to Be Treated

Far more than your average expression, this adage is also known as the Golden Rule! It stems from the Bible -- “Do unto others…” -- and while it carries a lovely sentiment, it can be horribly dangerous in its application.


Just because he wants a shot to the nuts doesn't mean we do!

We live in a world filled with perverts, masochists, and degenerates. If everyone went around treating others the same way they wanted to be treated, many people would feel violated and sex crimes would go way up! In other words, the Golden Rule in the hands of an R. Kelly soon becomes the Golden Showers Rule.

And isn’t it rather presumptuous to assume that just because we like to be treated a certain way, that everyone else should too? What is this need to extend our individual preferences to the rest of the world?

For example, some prefer to be treated with complete honesty, while others prefer a bit of sugarcoating. Just because you prefer complete honesty doesn’t mean you should feel justified in telling your boss that her new maroon pantsuit makes her look fat and proves she has less fashion sense than Lady Gaga.

Suggested change: “Treat everyone with respect…unless they give you good reason to do otherwise.”

Mo Money Mo Problems

This expression made famous by Biggie Smalls may sound profound on the surface, but a closer examination reveals it to be mo stupid.



So what if mo money causes mo problems? You have MO MONEY to fix the mo problems! Really, is there anything worse than listening to rich people bitch and whine about being rich?

Besides, there is a simple solution for those who complain about having too much money -- give it away! Or simply scale back and live a mo modest life. Yet, for some odd reason, no one is ever willing to trade in mo money for less problems.

In Hot Water

This expression means that you are in some serious trouble. Problem is, being “in hot water” is usually a highly pleasurable experience in modern society.



Perhaps 700 years ago when people feared cleanliness and enemies hurtled boiling water upon their enemies, being “in hot water” had a negative connotation. Nowadays, nothing strikes less fear than the idea of taking a nice hot bubble bath or enjoying some Jacuzzi action.

The expression is still salvageable, however, if the user were to say that they are in BLAZING or SCORCHING hot water, because no one is looking for that.

Another possibility is to consider an alternative property that could be frightening about water, like pollution:

DUDE #1: You look like s**t. What happened?
DUDE #2: I just crashed my uncle’s BMW. I am "in Jersey Shores' water," man.

Everything Will Work Out in the End

This stupid expression is often used when one is attempting to cheer up a friend who is down on his luck.

DEPRESSED GUY: Things are really bad... My wife just left me; my kids hate me; I lost my job; my house is being foreclosed; my ass has been itching all week; and a gang of possums broke into my Ford Fiesta and had a marsupial orgy all over my upholstery.
UPBEAT GUY: Hang in there, man. Everything will work out in the end.



Things did eventually work out!

Who wants things to work out IN THE END? What does that mean? You’ll get into the right retirement home? You’ll die peacefully in your sleep? You’ll get to bang Marilyn Monroe in the after life?

What we want are for things to work out NOW! But because that is unrealistic, we should modify the expression to make it more time ambiguous:

“Everything will work out before you know it.”

When exactly? Who the hell knows??? Maybe a day, maybe a decade…but at least it's before you're back in diapers and knocking on death’s door.

A Penny for Your Thoughts

The problem with this expression is glaringly obvious: it fails to keep pace with inflation. A PENNY? Is that really all we get? Would you trust the thoughts of a person who is willing to sell them for just a penny?



When “a penny for your thoughts” was coined (yes, there is a bad joke to be made here), a penny was actually a meaningful piece of currency. Now it’s just a circular piece of copper that enrages us when we’re forced to carry it around. Usually pennies are completely ostracized from the coin community and kept quarantined in glass jars and old ladies’ purses.

If anything, “A Penny for Your Thoughts” would make a great name for a super low-budget think tank.

As the great Steven Wright once said: “Why is it ‘a penny for your thoughts,’ but you have to ‘put your two cents in?’ Someone is keeping a penny.”

Lesser Apes

You'd have to be clinically insane not to love chimpanzees, gorillas, and orangutans -- a group known as the "Great Apes." These are some of the most loveable and entertaining creatures on the planet. However, a gross injustice is being perpetrated against a similar group of primates who have been cruelly classified as “Lesser Apes.”


Siamangs…not exactly a chimp, but not too shabby!

Lesser Apes are comprised of various types of gibbons and siamangs, and primarily reside in India, Indonesia, China, and Sumatra. While they lack the widespread media exposure and commercial success at the box office the Great Apes have enjoyed, these smaller apes are still of the utmost quality and deserve our respect.

The word “lesser” is insulting and sounds as if these poor guys have been relegated to second-class ape status. Perhaps a gibbon isn’t worthy of starring opposite Clint Eastwood or Tony Danza, but they can still probably carry a small independent film.

Suggested name change: “Good Apes”

Rock Out With My Cock Out

What more powerful way to tell people you party hard than by proclaiming to “rock out with your cock out?” Problem is, people tend to use this expression in situations that barely rock, let alone warrant whipping out your cock.



There are those who truly “rock out with their cock out,” like the Red Hot Chili Peppers did in concert…albeit their cocks were in socks. But still, they rocked out to 60,000 screaming fans and the only thing separating their manhood from the world was a $2 tube sock from Mervyn’s. That takes some serious balls (and presumably a cock).

Meanwhile, the expression is typically used in a context like this:

DORK #1: Hey, bro. Ready for some Guitar Hero?
DORK #2: Hells yeah! I’m gonna rock out with my cock out!

Sorry, but playing a video game where you sadly simulate being a rock star in the comfort of your studio apartment (or fortress of celibacy) isn’t a valid “rock out with your cock out.” At best it’s a “hang out with your wang out.”

***Author added "Clock Out With My Cock Out" to Urban Dictionary. Please give it a thumbs up.***

Like Taking Candy From a Baby

This stupid expression is used to convey that a particular task is very easy, but as anyone who actually has a baby knows, taking candy from a baby ain’t that simple.


"Touch my candy, and I will f**k you up!"

First of all, babies have teeny-tiny hands, and when they want something badly enough (i.e. candy), their little kung fu grip is pretty damn hard to pry open. Combine that with all the kicking and screaming and flailing, and suddenly you recognize the power of babies.

Secondly, this expression is stupid because it implies that the candy is being stolen from the baby, as though the adult in this scenario is somehow swindling the kid. Even people who don’t have babies should know: A BABY SHOULDN’T BE EATING ANY F*#%**G CANDY!