Manther

“Cougar” -- a 35-year-old-and-up horny woman on the prowl for younger men -- is a term that has taken the nation by storm and rightly so. After all, it’s only in recent years that the “cougar” has been able to flourish, so it’s fitting that there should be a new word to account for this burgeoning demographic.


You da manther!

Such is not the case with “manther” -- the cougar’s male counterpart (man/panther). Since the dawn of language, there has been a word set aside to describe a man who is on the hunt for younger women… A MAN! This is not a new trend; this is Biology 101.

Some might argue the need to distinguish the extreme cases of ridiculously older men who frequent the clubs in a sad attempt to prey on much younger women, but there already is a term for that as well… “Creepy Old Dude.”

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

This is a name that defies all logic. How can something be EXTRA virgin? Extra slutty, sure, but not extra virgin. Either something is virgin or it’s not.



Were these olives wearing chastity belts? Were their pits permanently sealed? Because one thing is certain: If it’s from Italy, it’s been f****d!

Courtesy Call

Telemarketers are devious and will stop at nothing to get us on the phone, whether it’s pretending to be an old friend or setting their caller ID to “private” so we are more likely to pick up. Among their biggest BS tactics is saying they are making a “courtesy call.”



Seriously, a COURTESY call? So, unlike all the other annoying telemarketing calls we get right in the middle of dinner, this is one in which we should actually be grateful?!

Naturally, when someone extends a courtesy to you it’s only polite that you return the favor. That’s why the appropriate response to a “courtesy call” is a “courtesy curse" followed by a "courtesy threat" and then a "courtesy slamming of the goddamn phone."

Of course, if you’re stupid enough to believe it’s actually a “courtesy call,” then you deserve to get stuck with a nine-year subscription to the New York Times.

Fish Out of Water

In movies where the lead character is out of his element and put in an uncomfortable situation (basically every movie), film buffs like to categorize it as a “fish out of water” story. Only problem -- fish can’t survive out of water!



Essentially, a “fish out of water” story would be one in which a major character dies right away and the other characters spend the rest of the movie dragging his dead ass around. In other words, any of the "Weekend at Bernie’s" movies would fit the bill.

By the way, how producers ever turned that into a sequel is one of the greatest achievements in cinema history. Hopefully, some day the trilogy will be complete.

Here are a few possible replacements for this stupid expression:

- A redneck out of mullet story
- An Osama out of cave story
- A Larry King out of suspenders story
- A Kirstie Alley out of Krispy Kreme story

***Please add others to the comments.***

What Does Not Kill Me, Makes Me Stronger

German existentialist philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche is credited with this famous quote, which first appeared in Twilight of the Idols back in 1888. While there are cases where this aphorism applies, it is by and large so blatantly false we have to call Nietzsche out on it.


-- Not to scare you or anything, but THIS IS NIETZSCHE!

Let’s say a bully torments you so much it motivates you to learn karate and eventually kick his ass. Well, in that case, getting bullied did not kill you AND it made you stronger.

However, let’s say that same bully is so humiliated you kicked his ass that he decides to drop a baby grand piano off the roof of a building right on top of you, and, as a result, you get majorly f****d up, yet, miraculously, you survive.

First of all, many people will wonder why that bully used a baby grand piano -- they’re expensive! But back to the matter at hand… In this hypothetical, getting bullied didn’t kill you, but it certainly did NOT make you stronger…unless being dependant on a capuchin monkey to wipe your ass is considered a feat of strength.

Here are three possible modifications to make this expression more accurate:

“What does not kill me…

1) …makes me not dead.”
2) …could still cause me to crap my pants.”
3) …gives me less justification to haunt in the afterlife.”

***Please add others to the comments.***

Fantasy Football

It just wouldn’t be September without the joy and intensity of drafting a pretend NFL football team while talking loads of smack to all your friends. Admittedly, fantasy football is pretty damn fun, but one question: Where is the FANTASY?


This is more like fantasy football.

No one is fantasizing about their selected guys playing together or what it would be like to coach this imaginary team. All we’re doing here is adding up some cold, hard stats in the hopes we have enough points to taunt our friends and walk away a few hundred dollars richer. Of course, if you add up all the time put into winning, that comes out to around 5 cents an hour.

Any actual fantasies to do with football would probably involve winning the Super Bowl three times and banging Gisele every night. No word yet on what Tom Brady fantasizes about.

As for a possible name change: Power Stats Football. Sure, stats aren't exactly sexy, but it’s more honest as to what’s going on while still sounding fun.

Dude #1 – Hey, dude. Wanna catch a movie?
Dude #2 – Can’t, man. Got my Power Stats Football draft tonight.

Athlete's Foot

Athlete’s Foot has to be the most complimentary medical condition of all time. You basically just have some fungus between your toes and suddenly you’re considered an ATHLETE???



It’s probably fair to say that most men would feel a lot better about having gonorrhea if it was suddenly called “Stud Crotch.”

Here are a few name changes that would turn medical conditions into slight ego boosters:

1). Halitosis → Commander's Breath
2). Irritable Bowel Syndrome → Sprinter’s Sphincter
3). Erectile Dysfunction → Pensioner's Penis

***Please add more to the comments.***

Global Warming

What’s in a name? Just ask ex-NFL player Harry Colon or former Major Leaguer Johnny Dickshot. Names can make an impact, and such is the case with Global Warming.



Most scientists agree that Global Warming is a catastrophe of epic proportions, yet the name of our impending doom sounds rather pleasant.

“Warming?” There’s nothing intrinsically scary about “warming.” You warm up food; you warm up a Jacuzzi; you warm up to play basketball. It often takes a while for things to warm up, so it doesn’t convey any real sense of urgency.

Any of the following 3 names would better serve to wake people up:

1). “Global Roasting” -- Roasting a chicken might sound good, but the thought that Mother Earth is roasting is rather disturbing.
2). “Global Scorching” -- No one likes it when it’s scorching out.
3). “Global Melting” -- Hollywood has etched into our brains the devastation of melting, from the Wicked Witch’s death in The Wizard of Oz to the Nazis melting in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

In addition, the term “climate change” is thrown around quite a bit, but this also doesn’t sound alarming enough. After all, not all change is bad. Better to swap the word “change” with “degradation,” "deprivation," or “degeneration.”

If you agree, please contact the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) and tell them how you feel.

Water Cooler Conversation

Exciting talk at the office about pop culture happenings is often referred to as “water cooler conversation.” The only problem with this term -- nobody actually hangs out by the water cooler to engage people in conversation!



The water cooler is not your office’s local watering hole where co-workers knock back a couple shots of Arrowhead, chill for a while, and get all chatty. Most interaction by the water cooler is at best a quick “hello,” but usually limited to an awkward head nod.

Everyone knows that the really interesting office conversations take place in the kitchen or out back with all the smokers. Good conversation can occasionally be found in the bathroom, but never at the urinals. Ironically, proper etiquette at the urinals is the same as it is at the water cooler -- do your business and move on!

Work Like a Dog

Some people like to gripe that they "work like a dog," but what does that mean -- they lay around the house all day licking their nuts?



Really, how many of us know dogs that actually work? There are plenty of blue-collar and white-collar workers, but not a whole lot of dog-collar workers.

Sure, working-class dogs exist -- seeing-eye dogs, sled dogs, drug-sniffing dogs -- but the vast majority of canines in America spend their days just like Jerry Springer fans: watching TV, getting fat, and humping the occasional mangy bitch.

Pushing the Envelope

This expression is supposed to convey that a person is kicking some serious ass and taking things to the extreme, but equating that level of awesomeness to an envelope being pushed is totally weak.



“Pushing the envelope” doesn’t conjure up the image of a badass, but rather a pathetic bureaucrat who spends his day shuffling paper and fiddling with Microsoft Excel templates.

If you want to be edgy, don’t push the envelope…push a disgruntled postal worker. That could get you shot!

Management is Not Responsible for Theft...

Quite a few establishments (gyms, swimming pools, parking garages, etc.) post signs that claim they are not responsible in the event someone steals your belongings. But here's a question: What if THEY are the thieves?!?!



This is basically a license to steal for employees at any of these businesses. Plus, it’s a horrible notion that a company can simply post some BS sign like it’s the supreme law of the land and suddenly they’re entitled to act like apathetic dickweeds any time a crime takes place on their very own property!

These signs should be modified accordingly:

“Management is POTENTIALLY responsible for theft or damage to your property, but refuses to accept any liability whatsoever. So, if any of your shit goes missing, don’t blame us.”

Tit for Tat

The problem with this expression is that “tit for tat” does not seem like a fair trade. In general, a “tit” is waaaay more valuable than any “tat.” Let’s be honest, you are far more likely to hear someone on the street shout out, “Nice tits!” than “Nice tats!”


Tramp stamps...they're not just for lower backs, ladies!

Aside from the obvious sexual and aesthetic value of tits, let’s not forget that they also provide free food for babies. Tats, on the other hand, are more likely to cost you food by making it much harder to find employment. Meanwhile, nothing has secured more jobs for women than tits.

Of course, now that “cash for clunkers” is done, “tits for tats” could make for a good government stimulus program.

Sober

Sober…the word is such a damn buzz kill! Nobody enjoys hearing a “sobering fact” or a “sobering statistic,” so why the hell would anyone ever want to be in a “sobering state?”



Drunk, on the other hand, is loaded with many positive connotations, like “drunk with love,” “an intoxicating feeling,” “enjoying some happy juice,” etc.

Why can’t we find a better word to describe the responsible person who does us all a huge solid by not drinking just so he can drive our drunk, obnoxious asses from bar to bar?

There are many positive words that could easily take the place of “sober” and serve the same purpose, like “unimpaired” or “clean” or “sharp.”

Imagine the following exchange:

CONCERNED FRIEND -- Hey, are you okay to drive?
YOU -- Yeah, man, I’m totally SHARP.

Unlike the bleak world of sobriety, “sharpness” is a state people actually want to be in, which may encourage more people not to drink, thus providing even more designated drivers for drunk a-holes like the rest of us.

Surface Streets

Here’s an exchange you are likely to hear if you live in a city like LA where traffic moves slower than a sloth on Quaaludes:

NEW TO LA - Hey, is it better to take the 405 or the 101?
LA TRAFFIC EXPERT - Oh, I would avoid the highways right now. This time a day it’s much better to stick with SURFACE STREETS…


The only good way to get around LA.

“SURFACE streets?” As opposed to what -- streets that defy the laws of physics and thus require the commuter to use a jetpack or hovercraft? Whether we’re talking highways, freeways, streets, or boulevards, the one commonality is that they all have a surface.

A word of caution: beware of surface street aficionados. They are a notoriously overly enthusiastic bunch, and what their surface street du jour might lack in overall traffic, it will more than make up for with stoplights up the yin yang.

Use Your Words

Hang around any parent with a baby long enough and eventually you'll hear the following:

BABY -- Waaaah, waaah, deeedle, daaaah!
PARENT -- Come on, Emily. Use your words.



The thing parents don't get is that their child IS using their words! That's the whole problem. What the parent should be saying is, "Use WORDS...the kind recognized in the English language."

Unfortunately, this expression doesn't just apply to babies. Somewhere down the line President Bush was told to "use his words" and he took it to heart. Now our language is stuck with "nucular" and "the decider" because, as Bush would say, we completely "misunderestimated" him.

Bad Hair Day

This expression would be completely acceptable if not for all the nappy-headed people out there who use it as a perennial excuse for their repugnant coif.



If you plan to pull the “bad hair day” card, just remember that the operative word is “DAY.” One only deserves so many free passes. If having jacked-up hair is more than a bi-weekly occurrence, it’s time to face facts and simply admit that you’re having a “bad hair LIFE.”

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

In actuality, those immortal words uttered by Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1933 during his first inaugural address were, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” but it has since evolved to “nothing to fear…”



FDR’s speech came during the bleakest of hours, when the US was suffering the worst of the Depression, so we should cut the guy a bit of slack.

But it’s important to call him out on that whole “nothing to fear” business, as there are plenty of legitimate things in this world to fear besides fear itself: snakes, the apocalypse, terrorists, global warming, swine flu, avian flu, killer bees, earthquakes, fires, hurricanes, tsunamis, Ebola, E. Coli, STDs, and David Hasselhoff just to name a few.

Even from FDR’s perspective, there were certain things he should have feared: World War 2, polio, atomic bombs, the repercussions of internment camps, rumors that Eleanor was gay, etc.

So, here’s the NEW DEAL… We are not a nation of pussies, so we just need a slight modification: “For the most part, there is nothing to fear but fear itself…but always look out for snakes!”

CLICK to hear FDR in action!

Putting Some Feelers Out

When someone is just starting to search for a new job and they are testing the waters to see what opportunities are out there, they will often say that they’re “putting some feelers out.”



Unfortunately, “putting feelers out” sounds like exactly the way NOT to get a new job…unless that particular office is looking for a “handsy” liability who is likely to get them slapped with a sexual harassment suit.

So be friendly and inquisitive, but better to keep your “feelers” to yourself…or at the very least pretend that you are blind before engaging in any corporate grab-ass.

Selling Like Hotcakes

Hotcakes…they sound delicious, but where the hell do you even buy them? Pancakes, on the other hand, are WAY easier to find.



If hotcakes sell so damn well, how come nobody is selling them? Have you ever seen an illegal immigrant standing on a freeway off ramp trying to sell a bag of hotcakes?

If we want to convey that something is selling really well, we should say it’s “selling like crack.” That is something you can unload quick!

In fact, it would be fun to see someone selling hotcakes like it was crack:

HOTCAKE DEALER -- Yo, playa, wanna get high...cholesterol? Check out these bombass hotcakes…Fresh out the mutha f****n oven!

NOTE: Author has no real clue how people actually sell crack.

Porn Star

In the glamorous world of movies, the word “star” is reserved for those particular actors with LEGIONS of fans, not LESIONS on their crotch.



There are plenty of legitimate “porn stars” out there -- Jenna Jameson, Tera Patrick, Shyla Stylez, Amy Reid, Audrey Bitoni, Jesse Jane (author did his research!) -- but what sets these ladies apart is that they are BANK-able talent, not just BANG-able.

Until you have established a solid fan base, you are nothing more than “up and coming” talent…maybe even literally!

Of course, some believe that "actors" are more genuinely into the craft than "stars," so perhaps it is more distinguished being called a porn ACTOR…especially if you wish to be known as the Meryl Streep of sucking c**k.

Terrific

Something just doesn't add up here…

Horrible = Very Bad
Horrific = Very Bad
Terrible = Very Bad
Terrific = Very GOOD??????????


At least HE thinks everything is grrrrrreat!

How exactly did the word “terrific” pull a complete 180? Somewhere down the line, something in our language went horribly (or terrifically) wrong.

Most likely this is just one of those deals where people started saying the opposite to sound cool, like when people say something is “sick” or “bad” or “wicked,” except in this case “terrific” totally lost its negative connotation.

Consequently, the only way to bring back the true meaning of TERRIFIC is to use it interchangeably with the word HORRIFIC, and inject it into conversations with friends.

FRIEND -- My cousin Pete was trapped underneath a giant boulder for 8 days. Eventually he had to saw off his right leg.
YOU -- Omigod, that must have been TERRIFIC.

Home is Where You Hang Your Hat

If there is “no place like home” and “home is where you hang your hat,” then it stands to reason that there is “no place like where you hang your hat.”



But do any of us really care where we hang our hat? Most of us are content to toss our hat just about anywhere, while many of us don’t even own one.

If this expression were true, then our nation’s homeless problem could be solved immediately by simply distributing hat racks on every street corner!

Christian Rock

Oxymorons -- those delightful nuggets of contradiction -- are planted all throughout our language: advanced beginner, jumbo shrimp, civil war, compassionate conservative, etc. And since contradiction is the lifeblood of an oxymoron, it’s not surprising they find fertile ground in the world of religion.


Illustration by Gerald King

Christian Rock is a category of music that flies in the face of rock music’s one and only credo: “Sex, drugs, and rock & roll!” This begs the question: Where exactly does Christianity fit in? Is it really rock music if sex with your groupies is frowned upon and your fans aren’t even allowed to give you the devil horns salute?

The Rock & Roll credo would have to be heavily modified to be consistent with Christian doctrine, turning the expression into something like: “Sex [with your wife], drugs [if doctor prescribed], and rock & roll [if it praises Jesus].

Meanwhile, let’s not forget about Christian Science. That deserves an entire post of its own.

***Please leave suggestions for other oxymorons to tackle in the comments.***

If You Can't Do the Time, Don't Do the Crime

This expression is not only stupid but also dangerous, as it sends the wrong message to potential felons by suggesting that if they CAN do the time, then maybe it's WORTH doing the crime.



Hey, even if you can do the time, you still shouldn’t do the crime. It would be a major tragedy for someone to get murdered on the street just because some psycho had some time to kill!

Great Depression

Certain things are truly great -- Great Danes, “The Great Gatsby,” the Great Wall of China, a great ass -- but a global economic meltdown that was so catastrophic it caused many a man to dive off a tall building certainly was not GREAT.



Any of the following would serve as a better name for that darkest of economic times in our nation’s history (other than last week):

The Shitty Depression
The Totally F****d Up Depression
The I Can’t Believe We Just Ate Our Family Dog to Survive Depression

By the way, isn’t it impressive to see how well dressed the unemployed were back then? Nowadays it’s all about cargo shorts, flip-flops, and ironic t-shirts -- and those are the people who ARE employed!

Live One Day at a Time

Among the more annoying expressions are the obvious statements people like to pass off as though it were sage advice, like: “Live one day at a time.” Yeah, as if we had a choice in the matter!



These are usually the same clowns who like to point out that “tomorrow is another day.” Yes, except in the unlikely event that today happens to be the apocalypse, tomorrow is most definitely around the corner. No one really needs a reminder.

Shits & Giggles

This is a really bizarre turn of phrase. When someone says to you, “Hey, let’s get together for SHITS and GIGGLES," the appropriate response one hundred percent of the time should be, “Yeahhhh, let’s NOT.”


For the person who takes their shit seriously.

Neither “shits” nor “giggles” sounds like an appealing proposition. What would such an encounter even consist of -- ordering up some Taco Bell and getting in a tickle fight? A far better idea is to get together for some palatable food and hearty laughter.

Good, God-Fearing People

This expression is troubling because it fails to take into consideration that what makes a person good isn’t just about WHAT they do, but also WHY they do it.



If one’s motivation to never steal is only due to a fear of the Almighty rather than a matter of principle, then the person who chooses not to steal isn’t really all that good…they just prefer not to live with a piping hot devil’s pitchfork up their ass for all eternity.

It’s sort of like calling someone a “good, jail-fearing person” because they're doing mandatory court-ordered community service. Sure, he’s feeding the homeless, but if it were up to him, he’d rather be out stealing car stereos.

I Don't Trust Him Farther Than I Can Throw Him

Stupid as it sounds, you have to salute whoever coined this ridiculous expression. What the hell does it even mean? How does one’s ability to turn a fellow citizen into a human projectile equate to that person’s level of trustworthiness?


“Trust in Troyer!”

And based on the assertion, does this mean that “little people” are more trustworthy than the average folks? One can imagine the following exchange taking place among spectators at a midget-tossing competition:

Redneck #1 -- “Wow, look at that lil' fella fly!”
Redneck #2 -- “Yep, that is one trustworthy midget!”

Pimp

While there once was a time when “pimp” carried a negative connotation, the word has somehow become glorified in our vernacular, transforming bastards who subjugate women to sexual slavery into somewhat loveable characters.



Pop culture certainly bears some responsibility, with the success of MTV’s “Pimp My Ride” and hit songs like “Pimpin’ All Over the World.” Plus, many movies have portrayed pimps as fun, colorful characters, like the cult classic “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka!” After all, who doesn’t love when Flyguy goes into his “bitch betta have my money” schtick?



But if you think about it, saying “that’s so PIMP” is sort of like if the cool kids started saying “that’s so DICTATOR” to mean that someone is a total badass. The slang would soften our perception of actual dictators.

Consequently, a dick like Kim Jong Il would be seen in a more favorable light, despite the fact that he is responsible for the suffering and torture of millions of people. Of course, “dictator” could never catch on like “pimp” because a “Pimp and Ho” party is way more appealing than a “Dictator and Oppressed People” party.

Bonus Fact: In Korea, instead of “Pimp and Ho” parties, they have “Pimps NAMED Ho” parties.

Sticks Out Like a Sore Thumb

When there is a noticeable abomination of some sort, people say that it “sticks out like a sore thumb.” But is a swollen thumb really the best metaphor to convey that point? Who the hell ever notices a sore thumb?



If we want to make the case that something truly sticks out, we should be far less discreet and way more colorful. Any of the following will work…

It sticks out like:

- A boner in a leotard
- Nipples in icy weather
- Carrot Top at the Apollo
- George Bush at a MENSA convention
- Rosie O’Donnell in a G-string

***Please leave other sore thumb replacements in the comments***