Between Jobs

Being out of work can be highly unpleasant, what with all the nosy questions from family and friends; worries late at night about your future; and that whole not getting paid thing.



That’s why it’s a ripe ground for a euphemism like “between jobs.” But to use this phrase fairly, you have to ask yourself: Do you have a FUTURE JOB lined up? Because if the answer to that is no, then as unsexy as it sounds, your ass is still “unemployed” or “out of work.”

Otherwise, it’s like a divorced guy saying he is “between wives right now.” Unless your name is Larry King or you’re a Mormon strutting around with a wife on either arm, you probably won’t get away with that statement.

Come Out of the Closet

To celebrate the glee and jubilation that goes along with professing to the world that you are gay, “come out of the closet” is no doubt the official go-to expression.



But is there anything intrinsically gay about a closet? There seems to be more relevant places one would come out of to reveal their gayness, like Neal Patrick Harris' penthouse or perhaps a Minneapolis airport bathroom.

Pre-Owned

There are few professions with a sleazier image than used-car salesman. That’s why it should come as no surprise that this miserable lot would try to screw us over linguistically as well.



Pre-Owned? Really? Here’s a question: Did the previous owner USE the car? Because if the answer to that is yes, then what we’re dealing with here is still a used car.

Remember, you’re a USED-car salesman, not a PRE-OWNED car salesman, so how ‘bout you go PRE-F**K yourself!

Muumuu

The word “Muumuu,” which originates from the Hawaiian “Mu’umu’u,” may be loads of fun to say, but is highly insensitive to those who wear this product, which has essentially become a fashionable tent for the obese.



Any muumuu enthusiast is probably well aware that they may, in fact, have a severe weight problem, so does the name of the clothing have to imitate the sound a cow makes not once, but twice -- Mooo, mooo?

And what do you accessorize a muumuu with -- a set of matching oink-oinks?

Possible name change for the muumuu: "husband-beater."

Developing Nation

As Americans, we can be pretty condescending towards the really poor countries, often referring to them as “Third World.”

But at the same time, because the more enlightened among us are sensitive to that, we choose instead to use certain euphemisms for those less fortunate countries, like “developing nations.”



But, really, DEVELOPING nation makes it sound like the country is still going through its hot adolescent phase. It’s sort of like:

“Hey, RWANDA is lookin’ fiiiiine!”
“Yeah, she’s developing a rockin’ body. Amazing tits.”
“Is Rwanda seeing anybody?”
“I heard the NATION OF CHAD has been hittin’ that.”
“Daaaamn, Chad is a total skeez! I hear he’s always making DJIBOUTI calls.”
“C’mon, don’t be a nation hata.”

You Can Lead a Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Drink

Even though this stupid proverb has been around since the 1500s, it reeks of the kind of lame BS drivel that Dr. Phil likes to spontaneously spout out from that big melon head of his.



Why can’t you make a horse drink? They got Mr. Ed to talk, for crying out loud! Just feed the horse nothing but salty pretzels for a week. He’ll drink -- you can count on it.

Fall Pregnant

In America, women GET pregnant. But in South Africa, England, and certain other countries of British influence, women FALL pregnant.



It all sounds highly innocent, as though these damsels are prancing along a meadow, minding their own business, when suddenly they slip and BOOM -- they fall pregnant.

No one’s sure what these women are tripping on, but it’s certainly clear what they’re landing on. So a warning to all you American ladies: If you travel abroad, watch your step. You may end up with a souvenir you don’t want.

Timing is Everything

This is one of those bulls**t expressions where the importance of something abstract is ridiculously over-exaggerated. While no one can deny the deep significance of timing, it certainly isn’t everything.



If timing were EVERYTHING, then by extension of that logic, there wouldn’t be ANYTHING else. Take cantaloupe, for example. Cantaloupe isn’t timing…it’s just cantaloupe. Perhaps the real expression should be:

“Timing is everything…except for cantaloupe, jumper cables, baby wipes, leprechauns, and lots and lots and lots of other things.”

Nothing to Write Home About

On the surface, there is nothing blatantly stupid about this expression. While today's youth no longer has to suffer the labor intensiveness of writing letters, they still do write home via emails, text messages, status updates, blogs, tweets, and twunders (okay, that last one is made up).



In this case, the stupidity lies in the way this expression is used in a modern day context. Witness a conversation recently overheard:

DUDE #1 -- I hooked up with Susie last night.
DUDE #2 -- Really? How was she?
DUDE #1 -- Eh, she was nothing to write home about.

Hey, even if Susie rocked your world, is that the kind of thing you would write home about? How would that letter even go?

Dear Mom & Dad,

I finally nailed that girl Susie I was telling you about at camp! And you would’ve been so proud of how long I lasted while pounding away at her up against the bathroom stall!

Send my love to Grandma.

Your son,
Timmy

Break a Leg

It’s damn near impossible to make it to any audition without at least one jackass telling you to “break a leg!” Maybe it would make sense if you were trying out to be an enforcer in the Mafia -- “Yo, Tony, break a leg!” -- but when you’re auditioning for Hamlet, you don’t need to hear that s**t.



Next time a friend has an audition, instead of telling him/her to “break a leg,” tell them to “suck a d**k!” Neither expression is likely to be relevant to their audition, but the latter is far more likely to help your friend get the part.

Brand New Baby

It always sounds strange when someone says they have a “brand new baby.” Really, is there any other kind? Can you give birth to an old washed-up kid?



And how exactly do you know when a baby is no longer new? Is it when they lose that new baby smell?

Attorney At Law

Whenever you see ads for lawyers, they always say “Attorney at Law” underneath their name. Attorney at LAW? That seems a bit redundant, doesn’t it?



You don’t see other professions getting that specific. No one ever refers to themself as a “chef at restaurant,” or a “teacher at classroom,” or even a “proctologist at asshole.” You’re a lawyer, we get it!

An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Seriously, is it really that hard to keep the doctor AWAY? If that's the goal, there's an easier method -- not having health insurance! Millions of Americans are already on this plan.



In fact, having an HMO will also keep the doctor away...as long as there are enough nurse practitioners floating around.

Clearly, this expression was created by the powerful apple lobby (Big Apple) -- the same jerks who convinced America that apples are the only thing teachers ever want for gifts.

It's Who You Know, Not What You Know

This expression reflects everything that is wrong with our society because it justifies the idiots who skirt our meritocracy and end up in positions of great power and influence despite having little to no talent or intellectual ability.



Consequently, it’s deeply troubling whenever people proclaim, “It’s who you know...” Wouldn't it suck to hear that your surgeon only got the job because his uncle owns the hospital?

Big Boned

Whoever came up with this expression clearly does not grasp the concept of a euphemism, because when you call somebody “big boned,” it actually sounds like more of an insult.


alispagnola.blogspot.com

If you think about it, what you’re really saying to that chubby individual is: “Hey, pal... Even if you stripped away everything…and there was nothing left of you but a skeleton…YOU'D STILL BE A FAT-ASS!”

Life is Too Short to Hold a Grudge

Hey, maybe life was too short to hold a grudge back in the caveman days when going through the painful awkwardness of adolescence was also known as having a "mid-life crisis," but nowadays, with all the advancements in medicine and science, people are living into their hundreds...



By now, life is certainly long enough to justify holding a grudge. In fact, it would probably be a tremendous shame to go your entire life without truly hating someone.

The real expression should be, "Life is too long NOT to hold a grudge." Although, life is still too short to see "The Grudge." That piece of s**t is over three hours long!

Give It the Old College Try

This is a classic All-American expression that modern day idiots tend to say to inspire and motivate their peers. Usually, it is preceded by a hearty, "Hey, guys!"



But a COLLEGE try? What does that mean? Get drunk, stoned, eat a burrito, and pass out? You might as well quit...and give it the old JUNIOR COLLEGE try.

Bosom Buddies

Far more than a classic '80s sitcom starring the incomparable Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, "Bosom Buddies" is a stupid expression referring to female friends who are very close to one another.



Aside from sounding outright silly, this expression is not the least bit egalitarian, as there has never been an equivalent term for men. We don’t have "pecker pals" or "phallic friends" or "cock comrades."

Full List of Stupid Expressions...

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A
A Penny for Your Thoughts
An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
Athlete's Foot
Attorney At Law

B
Bad Hair Day
Beggars Can't Be Choosers
Between Jobs
Big Boned
Bosom Buddies
Brand New Baby
Break a Leg

C
Christian Rock
Come Out of the Closet
Comparing Apples and Oranges
Courtesy Call

D
Developing Nation
Don't Trust Him Farther Than I Can Throw Him

E
Everything Will Work Out in the End
Extra Virgin Olive Oil

F
Fall Pregnant
Fantasy Football
Fish Out of Water

G
Global Warming
Good Eye
Good, God-Fearing People
Great Depression

H
Home is Where You Hang Your Hat

I
If You Can't Do the Time, Don't Do the Crime
In Hot Water
It's Who You Know, Not What You Know

L
Lesser Apes
Life is Too Short to Hold a Grudge
Like Taking Candy From a Baby
Live One Day at a Time

M
Management is Not Responsible for Theft...
Manther
Mo Money Mo Problems
Muumuu

N
Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself
Nothing to Write Home About

O
Old College Try

P
Pimp
Porn Star
Pre-Owned
Pushing the Envelope
Putting Some Feelers Out

R
Rock Out With My Cock Out

S
Selling Like Hotcakes
Shits & Giggles
Sober
Sticks Out Like a Sore Thumb
Surface Streets

T
Terrific
The Early Bird Gets the Worm
Timing is Everything
Tit for Tat
Too Big to Fail
Treat Others the Way You Want to Be Treated

U
Use Your Words

W
Water Cooler Conversation
What Does Not Kill Me, Makes Me Stronger
Work Like a Dog

Y
You Can Lead a Horse to Water, But You Can't Make Him Drink
You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

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