Too Big to Fail

Our vernacular has been abuzz with this expression ever since the start of our economic meltdown. But it’s not that companies like Lehman Brothers, AIG, and Merrill Lynch were “too big to fail” – they DID fail! The expression should really be, “Too big to fail…without a bailout.”



But perhaps there is an economic opportunity here, since “Too Big to Fail” is the perfect expression to emblazon on a pair of boxers. It may not fully restore consumer confidence, but it will certainly restore crotch confidence.

The Early Bird Gets the Worm

Is it really worth getting up early for a worm? Sure, the early bird gets a worm, but nowhere does it say that the later bird can't also get a worm…and he got to sleep in! Plus, there are lots of worms crawling around at night, which means maybe the LATER bird gets the most worms.



The point of this expression is that there is great benefit to getting an early start, but we are only looking at this from the bird’s perspective. What about the worm? Presumably the early bird ate an early worm who felt like getting an early start and his ass got eaten! If that worm was lazier, he might still be alive.

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

If you really are a beggar, then your life is already tough enough. On top of abject poverty, must you also relinquish your right to make choices?


Beggars can be BOOZERS...and wizards apparently.

Say you’re begging on a street corner for spare change. Along comes some guy with a giant sack of broccoli slung over his shoulder. He says, “I don’t have spare change, but you can have this giant sack of broccoli.”

As it turns out, you happen to be deathly allergic to broccoli. Also, you became an orphan at the age of two because your parents died in a tragic broccoli accident, which is why you live on the street in the first place. Do you not have a right to refuse the broccoli???

The expression should be more like, “Beggars can’t be fussy.” For anyone who thinks beggars deserve no choice whatsoever, there are certainly those who would beg to differ.

You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

This expression is total BS if you just follow 3 simple steps:

1). Go to a restaurant that serves cake.
2). Tell the waiter, “I’ll HAVE the cake.”
3). When the waiter brings the cake, EAT IT!


Who needs cake when you have buxom blondes?

In actuality, the word “have” in this context is intended to mean that you are KEEPING your cake, not consuming it. But who the hell would choose to do something as stupid as that?

Once you eat a cake, you can easily go buy another one. And if you get the recipe, you can always make it again. Plus, cake goes bad after a few days, so how long can you “have” it anyway?

There are definitely better ways to make the point that you can’t have the best of both worlds:

“You can’t have your Appletini and your manhood too.”
“You can’t have your Taco Bell and be regular too.”
“You can’t have your weed and remember things too.”

***Please add more to the comments.***

Comparing Apples and Oranges

To express that a false analogy has been made, people often say, “You’re comparing apples and oranges.” But are apples and oranges so different? After all, both are fruit; both are round; both grow on trees; both have lots of vitamins; and the similarities go on and on…



In order to truly convey the incomparability of two items, we should probably say something like, “You’re comparing chinchillas and Vikings.” Those two are much harder to compare… One is a rabbit-sized rodent indigenous to South America; the other is a plundering Swede from the 11th century.

Basically, almost any two random things would be better suited for this expression than “apples and oranges.” Here are 3 other possibilities:

“You’re comparing…

1) …donkeys and Wite-Out.”
2) …negative amortization loans and chile relleno.”
3) …Charo and drip irrigation.”

***Please add more to the comments.***

Good Eye

Because baseball is a slow moving sport with lots of awkward silence, people feel the need to fill it with noise, which is why coaches often yell, “Hey, let’s hear some chatter out there!” Among the pointless blabber is the stupid expression “good eye.”



Attend any Little League game and you are sure to hear idiots shout “good eye!” every frickin’ time a kid chooses not to swing, even if the pitch is a mile away from the strike zone. In fact, in some cases the kid is too weak to swing a bat anyway, so it’s not so much “good eye!” but “weak body!”

“Good eye” does have the potential to be a non-stupid expression if it were used in other situations. Like say you’re at a bar and a buddy of yours is about to hit on a girl, but at the last second realizes she’s not so hot, and backs away. We should salute him. Say, “Good eye, Johnny! Way to lay off! That was a close call!”

Treat Others the Way You Want to Be Treated

Far more than your average expression, this adage is also known as the Golden Rule! It stems from the Bible -- “Do unto others…” -- and while it carries a lovely sentiment, it can be horribly dangerous in its application.


Just because he wants a shot to the nuts doesn't mean we do!

We live in a world filled with perverts, masochists, and degenerates. If everyone went around treating others the same way they wanted to be treated, many people would feel violated and sex crimes would go way up! In other words, the Golden Rule in the hands of an R. Kelly soon becomes the Golden Showers Rule.

And isn’t it rather presumptuous to assume that just because we like to be treated a certain way, that everyone else should too? What is this need to extend our individual preferences to the rest of the world?

For example, some prefer to be treated with complete honesty, while others prefer a bit of sugarcoating. Just because you prefer complete honesty doesn’t mean you should feel justified in telling your boss that her new maroon pantsuit makes her look fat and proves she has less fashion sense than Lady Gaga.

Suggested change: “Treat everyone with respect…unless they give you good reason to do otherwise.”